dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
