I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
