Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
