Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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