I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
