I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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