There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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