I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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