Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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