There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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