when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
