Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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