I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
