Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
