....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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