it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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