Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
