Umm I'm too high to move.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
