Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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