I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
