So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
