I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
