He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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