he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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