Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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