My hair reeks of homosexuality.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm really busy with my period
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