Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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