Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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