eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
