I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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