but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize