i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
