boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
