you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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