I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
