you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
