just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
