i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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