I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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