my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
3pm strippers are depressing
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
