I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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