My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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