Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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