Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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