He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
