were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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