I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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