oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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