not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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