oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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