listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
