Umm I'm too high to move.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize