you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
