Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
