I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
