Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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