last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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